Celebrate your growth. You might be going through some pretty huge things right now, but six months ago you thought you where in a situation you wouldn’t survive.... two years before that things looked like there was no way out. And look at you, you made it. When you look back you will surprise yourself of your strength. You DO ALWAYS make it through. Look at you glowing and growing 🌱 Two years ago there is no way you’d be doing the things you are now, making hard decisions, breaking dysfunction, healing trauma, creating boundaries. CELEBRATE YOU this season 🙌🏻👯♀️ I’m so proud of you WARRIOR x look how strong you’ve become.
I have one word today: #brave (willing to do things which are difficult, dangerous or painful). I got this tattoo a week before I ended it. I knew it would take everything out of me. And it did. Especially when I had to do it again. But I am here, and I am strong, and I am never going back.
⭐️I would rather be the best friend of someone famous⭐️
There seems to be so much pressure on famous people!
Which would you choose?
3 hours ago
Repost from @poetryofdhiman 💗
If you have doubts that this is possible, it took me 16 and a half months. And yes, I counted. I gave myself markers. It was that hard. But I’m in the last stretch. My life is starting to light up now, good things are happening, I love myself for the first time ever, I love the people I kept in my life and the people who stayed. I am healing. And I would not go back for anything. It’s possible. Take your time. You’ll get there too💕
I CAN'T fall for Narcissists/Psychopaths/Parasites TRICKS and BULLSHIT Anymore. I was Born and Raised in that EVIL world, Stopped being a Victim, Educated Myself and FACED The Devil. I *CAN'T* be Fooled by Anyone's BULLSHIT Anymore.
All narcissists are seeking attention called “narcissistic supply.” Saying they’re attention-seeking is too simplistic, though. Their search for supply is like a vampire’s search for blood. It’s more than a craving. Their behavior isn’t just about being in the spotlight or the high of getting over on people, although that’s important. Their emotions are profoundly dysregulated and they derive power and control from inducing that state in others. They’re not simply looking for attention when they act out; they’re regulating their targets’ emotions, so they can feed on them to try to fill the void inside them. They aren’t in touch with their own emotions (everything is too shattered and jumbled inside them). They need other people’s feelings the way addicts need their fixes. After you interact with a narcissist over an extended period of time, you begin to feel that something is missing. It’s not the same as being incompatible with someone; it’s realizing there isn’t anything to connect to, because there’s only that shattered personality and the empty gap between it and the masks they present. THEY can’t get past the gap, so no one else stands a chance.
This emotional vampirism is why narcissists are dramamongers. Most targets miss that they feed on positive emotions too – that’s why love bombing and excessive idealization are part of their toolkits. Narcissists need to create an emotional map of their targets – something that lets them know what buttons to push. Indifference is their kryptonite. It completely short circuits things. Without those heightened emotional responses, everything grinds to a halt, and they lose control. Peace and tranquility confound them. That’s why arguments are such a powerful tool for them. They poke and prod and harass and escalate until they get a response. It’s not only their fix, though. They’re also gathering intel to update their map of you and maintaining their ability to get you to capitulate to them. To neutralize a narcissist, you can’t give them access to your true emotions, and you have to stop complying. It requires a very strong will, but it’s the only way to take back control from them.
4 hours ago
Sometimes in life we can get so wrapped up in the negative events that are happening to us, that we forget to express gratitude for the good things life also brings us. I know after experiencing narcissistic abuse, gratitude is probably the last thing on your mind, but hear me out.
Gratitude is one of the most powerful emotions, it means we recognize what’s valuable in our lives: what really means something to us. Whether it’s family, friends, progress in any area of our lives, kindness, the natural beauty around us, or just being alive.
It's also about allowing or encouraging ourselves to feel positive about these good things in our lives. One of the keys of recovery for trauma survivors lies in realizing that there are good things in the external world.. things that go above and beyond the trauma we've been through. Rather than focusing on what has impacted us negatively in the past, we take very intentional steps to reshape our perspective in all areas of life.
You can start small, listing maybe three of your things you're grateful for, and build from there. Expressing gratitude can help you change how you see yourself, so find a way to be grateful every day. It will only improve your life because it forces you to focus on the good in your life - and as we know whatever you think about and put your focus on, you bring about.
I've created a few journals, one of which is above, "Write Like No One's Watching" which will keep you on gratitude track for 100 days. (Available on Amazon). On those days you feel overwhelmed you can look back for a "gratitude boost", knowing that there's always something to be grateful for despite your circumstances. ❤🙏
Maybe even a masters?! .
Narcissists are nightmares. .
It’s not fun or pretty but is one hell of a learning experience. Consider how can you use this new information to move forward positively? .
Not only is it important to break free of the relationship but also mentally and emotionally. Narcs play games that alter your view of yourself and the world. This can linger in your psyche well beyond the end of the relationship. Catch your mind falling back into the hole and talk back to yourself before you plummet. Be patient with yourself. Seek help. This type of manipulation has many layers and is very complicated. .
You are stronger than that person! You are more than enough! Carry on my dear friends with your head held high and don’t let the actions of one person tear you down! .
You got this!
You are Never aLoNe ✌🏻❤️🍷
18h18 hours ago
I don't know you, but as a #narcissisticabusesurvivor I just wanted to send you this :
(because after 6 years i barely made it out alive & w/ most of my senses intact. The struggle is real) pic.twitter.com/xOaxyPCod2
2 hours ago
Trauma bonding or being bonded to people through trauma, is I believe one of the most excruciatingly painful and confusing things a human can experience. It develops through the cycles of abuse where there is inconsistency: love bombing/devaluation, hot/cold, push/pull, fighting/make-up sex. The inconsistent behavior creates intensity which is then mistaken for love. Then this glue starts to gel.
I’ve cold turkeyed off of Xanax, which can be deadly, and in that process I hallucinated a man chasing me around my bedroom for a week, screaming at me; I slept 4 hours in seven days and plummeted to the depths of literally losing my mind, but that experience pales in comparison to breaking my trauma bond.
People can lose their minds over this stuff. Or be diagnosed as “mentally ill” and be put on psych drugs they don’t really need and won’t help anyway. Because this is a rewiring of your brain, a digging out of neuropathways that have you biochemically tied to a relationship that is causing you pain and is hurting you.
You are chained to your abuser. And they are chained to you. You’re both addicts.
Logic is out the window.
There are stories of women being thrown off of balconies by their spouse and then driving to the police station to pick them up after they’re released.
To people who haven’t experienced it, you can’t conceive. To those of you that have,
You know what I’m talking about.
You can fall out of love with someone, but you can’t just fall out of a bond, and you can have trauma bonds with anyone where abuse, chaos and inconsistency are present: spouses, siblings, parents, even friends. The chaos over time becomes the normal and without it there’s intense uneasiness. The abuse becomes normalized and accepted.
Unfortunately our culture supports this type of mad, intense love-to feel so deeply. This isn’t love, it’s an addiction formed through chaos and abuse. The intensity of it looks like love to others, but truly healthy relationships don’t display these intense attributes. As I’ve healed I’ve come to see real love doesn’t feel icky, trauma bonding does.
Healing from one first starts with awareness that you have one.
They have a mama, and it isn’t you. And if they didn’t learn it from her, that’s not your problem.
The world needs strong men and strong women to discern the difference.
We need strong women to stay in their lanes and work on themselves, own their stuff & let men show up how they gonna show up. If they don’t show up right-they’re out.
Breastfeeding weak men is cancelled.
Go feed yourself instead.
⭐️ a little fish in a big pond ⭐️
You are noticed by people that matter.
You don’t need to be the loudest person, or the funniest, fittest, prettiest. .
You just need to be you.
Always be you.
2 hours ago
Every. Single. One.
The God of all comfort keeps watch over your weeping. He gathers up all your tears and puts them in his bottle - Psalm 56:8
No matter how much of your anguish has gone unnoticed by others, not one moment has escaped the attention of the God.
Every drop of agony and heartache sinks down into the ground like a seed, waiting to sprout up into an oak of laughter. ❤🙏
5 hours ago
There is only one person in this world who is responsible for our healing and our happiness.
When I began this page back in 2018, I had literally just emerged from an especially gruesome involvement with a #narcissist-#sociopath. I was in that “what the fuck just happened?” phase that I think all survivors of this type of abuse go through. At that point I was still seeking to understand why the abuser did what he did, how he was able to so callously reject his own child and why he felt no remorse.
Let me tell you from experience — those are the wrong questions.
I moved my focus to: why did I feel this horrid little male was all I deserved? What made me think I had to continue tolerating this situation even after I realised that the abuser is mentally and emotionally unhinged? What fuelled my decision to gloss over the various red flags that were apparent even very early on? And most importantly — what sort of life do I want to experience moving forward?
It wasn’t until my questions shifted, that I was able to shrug off the influence of this particularly virulent and sick predator. He simply doesn’t matter. His life was, is and sadly probably always will be, a trainwreck. And that’s his stuff — has absolutely nothing to do with me. What’s important to me, and my family, is that MY life is a healthy and happy one.
We have a phrase we use here in the UK — “slagging off”. I guess the US translation of this would be “talking shit about someone” or heavily criticising somebody we feel contempt for.
We can slag off #narcissists all day every day — and while it will feel cathartic to vent and get things off our chest — this alone will not heal us. I’ve most certainly “slagged off” the awful individual who abused me numerous times on this page. It ain’t like this creature doesn’t deserve it. But making the abuser the central focus of our healing journey can only set us up to fail.
It all starts and ends with us.
And that’s a beautiful thing.
That is real power.
when you are around people, get out of your head & shift into your BODY. how is your BODY physically responding to the energy of the people you are around?
your mind will lie to you & justify behaviors all day long. but your body, will not lie to you. you cannot deny the way it responds around certain types of people.
you are not crazy — but you will feel crazy around people who are not safe.
trust your body & the signals it gives you.
trust your body & the signals it gives you.
trust your body & the signals it gives you.
1 hour ago
Assertiveness is the skill and capability we use to restore our boundaries or assist others in the restoration of their boundaries. Assertiveness capability is therefore an imperative for living life well!
Learn more in my book “Discovering the Healthy Self and Meaningful Resistance to Toxic Narcissism.” (Please refer to link in bio to my website for more details.) P.S.: If you are inspired to repost my Instagram, please like it and mention @eleanorpayson in your caption - thanks!
narcissists create a dynamic where they, sometimes on an unconscious level, manipulate people into feeling sorry for them.
they live their lives from a victim mindset. life is hard, people always misunderstand them, they’re down & out on a job, etc etc.
if you have empathy & especially if you are an empath, it is hard to not fall prey to this trap where your empathy is used against you. they see your caring nature & will use it as a ploy to make you feel sorry for them.
if you consistently feel sorry for a narcissist, imagine how hard it is to ever hold them accountable for their behavior. you will make excuse after excuse and justify egregious behavior when you feel bad for someone.
they create this dynamic.
you can choose to change it.
you can feel empathy for someone, all the while choosing to stay the fuck away from them. protect yourself from people who use your empathy as a means to take advantage of & manipulate you.
DISCLAIMER: this is NOT to say that people aren’t randomly taken in & groomed by abusers. this is talking about CYCLES — where people CONSISTENLY find themselves in painful relationships.
I was the queen of dating people, breaking up with them & then complaining about how unhealthy they were & how much they had hurt me. all the while, not even realizing that I was probably choosing the wrong people & more importantly, I was failing to take into account my own patterns, thought processes, addictions, & dysfunctional ways of being that had me attracted to & then choosing these partners in the first place. i’d break up with them, thinking that I just hadn’t found the right person yet & assumed that the next one would be better.
until it never was.
you know why most people don’t heal?
& why they continue to find themselves dating the same types of abusive, or emotionally unavailable partners?
because all around us, we see people focusing on the other person. we agonize to our friends, “I just date assholes,” instead of asking ourselves “where did I learn to associate love with pain? what might be behind that?” we usually don’t think to ask ourselves questions such as “who in my life did I have to prove myself to in order to get love?”
I was programmed this way from my childhood. I was dysfunctionally groomed to associate love with pain. I was attracted to men whom I had to prove myself to & who wouldn’t see me. men that I had to chase after for their love, because that’s the dynamic that was shown to me by my parents.
if we find ourselves repeating these cycles, its about finding the parts of us that resonate with unhealthy relationships & have been taught to equate love with behavior that hurts us.
If we continue to focus all of our energy on the other person & bypass what in us needs healing, we will stay stuck.
cultivating healthy partnerships is not about just going out and finding another person, or the “right” person to date. If you find yourself always dating people who hurt you, it is about detoxing the parts of you that were incorrectly taught to believe that this is what love should feel like.
You'll NEVER be Connected to Me again. EVER.
🔥🔥🔥🔥 The Narcissist Will Never Hold Themselves Accountable
We all know that narcissists behave in ways that defy all the unwritten rules of common decency. They lie. They demean and degrade. They use and abuse. They behave without morality and without remorse. Yet, in the mind of a narcissist, they never do anything wrong.
We all make mistakes in life and the vast majority of us can own up to those mistakes and admit when we are wrong. Not so with the narcissist. It will always be someone else's fault. They will never hold themselves accountable for any wrong doing. They are masters of deception and manipulation who will blame anyone around them for anything untoward.
Narcissists have not developed a solid sense of self with their emotional maturity appearing to be stuck somewhere in their childhood. When confronted with their bad behaviour they will behave like a five year old throwing childlike temper tantrums, otherwise known as narcissistic rage. Holding themselves accountable is very difficult for someone with fragile self esteem. A narcissist is not capable of empathy and can't imagine walking in someone else's shoes to see how their actions may affect others. They only see things from their perspective, how it affects them. Nothing else matters.
The harder you try to get this person to take responsibility for their actions, the more toxic the interaction will become. They will use every trick in the book such gaslighting and projection to make sure they do not have to admit to being at fault.
Remember that this person does not have remorse and no matter how hard you try they are not capable of admitting they are wrong.
They may... Deny
Say they can't remember
Shut down and ignore you
Blame someone else
Say how terrible a person you are for accusing them
Threaten to punish or abandon you if you carry on
Blame you for making them behave in the way that they did
Turn the conversation away from their behaviour by criticising yours
People who never hold themselves accountable for their actions will never learn from their mistakes and are destined to repeat them.
6 minutes ago
how do we go about our lives, seeking to acquire safety, when we can never guarantee it?
how do we live knowing what we know, whether it’s what happened in the past or what could happen in the future, or what is already in the statistics as happening right now?
how do we live and love and feel and trust? how do we not be afraid all the time?
hope. dedication to healing. living one day at a time. noticing the good things. creating boundaries. prioritizing your own sense of safety.
it is so hard to surrender control over what was and what could be. but you are so strong.
my sunday blessing for me and you:
may they never touch us again.
may we be loved.
may we be safe.
may we be happy.
1 hour ago
Alot of broken people out here👌
Walk with PURPOSE and suddenly there is no noise🙅
you are not required to forgive your abuser(s), & anyone who would shame you into doing so out of morality or religion, does not have your best interest in mind. you owe no one your forgiveness. you owe it to yourself to do WHATEVER it is you need to do to heal — maybe that includes forgiving who hurt you, maybe that doesn’t. maybe not right now, but maybe later. you get to decide the conditions of your healing. it does not make you a “bad” person, not forgiving someone before you are ready to. also, you can choose to not forgive someone all the while simultaneously releasing any feelings of bitterness, pain or anger that you may be holding on to surrounding the person. ❤️ do what you need to do for YOU — take them OUT of the equation.
You end up putting your faith a Narcissist for far longer than makes sense - even to you - for the simple reason that, once you have lost faith in yourself and your own worth, the Narcissist appears to offer the best option of certainty. .
They are extremely certain about both their own merit and being your best hope. .
They tell you that, without them, you will never cope. You will end up living a loveless life, in a garret, with only a stray cat for company. .
That makes their “potential” to morph into your dream partner even harder to reject. .
And you get so fixated on certainty and potential that you undervalue the importance of the fact that are never safe with them. .
Even if they provide financial stability - which not that many do - the emotional environment is totally unsafe. .
Human beings do not thrive on long-term lack of emotional emotional safety. That makes the Narcissist’s certainty together with their “potential” even more difficult to resist. .
And it all started from the premise that you were worthless which they only stated because they are the kind of toxic that lives to devalue other people.
You were never worthless. Nor does spending time around a Narcissist make you worthless. But they never had any real potential to be anything other than toxic .
Find these messages helpful, turn on NOTIFICATIONS so you don’t miss a post. .
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It’s surprising to both his dad & I, that after a few months of SS19 distancing himself from his mom bc of her own behavior- how quickly he’s beginning to see the tangled web of lies & manipulations his mom has created in her household. SS finally met a girl he can connect with & his mom has made every attempt to demonize her. This girl, who we’ve had the pleasure to get to know, is pretty great to him. His focus on his relationship has also separated him enough from home to be able to see the dysfunction from a whole new perspective & it’s driving his mom CRAZY that he’s not only seeing it, but calling her out on it.
According to SS19 (the golden child), he’s never seen his mom behave as “crazy” as she has been lately. “Crazy” bc for the first time he’s experiencing what it’s like to be on her “sh*t list”. Little sisters, SD13 & SD16- who’ve been abused mentally & physically & often ignored until NOW that the “favorite” has chosen to distance himself from mom- BM has started working on them, treating them like princesses, spoiling them rotten (the perks of being “on her side”) & making them her new BFFs & informants. The girls are milked for info about their brother & what happens in our household (since he spends more time here now) & the girls oblige. BM has made an example of SS19 by having labeled him “the bad one” in their household for going against his mom. One of the most FRUSTRATING parts of ALL OF THIS is that SD13 & SD16 are LOVING this new dynamic & are willing to cooperate with their moms every word if it gets them what they want.
SS19 has been forced to pay BM for a $1,500 cruise his mom booked back in July that SS didn’t want to attend since he wanted to stay home & work. He refused to go on this cruise after fighting BM in defense of his sister whom she was physically attacking. He’s told us how every time he goes to his moms house, he’s guilt tripped by his mom and her bf about how inattentive, ungrateful & selfish of a son & brother he is. When he disagrees, she teaches him a lesson by harassing him for the “debt” he owes from the cruise. When she asked what he wanted for Xmas- he asked that his debt be excused... (cont. in comments)
We as survivors of heinous, prolonged, and intentional abuse, are being forced to sweep years/decades of trauma under the rug, just like that. Meanwhile, people are constantly trying to look for good in abusers that isn’t even there. Is it any wonder why healing is so difficult?
And sometimes, having someone hold space for you as you go through the layers is helpful. You don’t have to do it alone. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
If you’re ready to invest in yourself and your healing journey, consider applying to my 12-week transformational program. Link in bio or dm me for more info and to apply!