Three years ago, I held my three babies at the same time for the first time! They were 27 days old. Having been separated in their incubators, they could be close once more. I felt so happy for them. .
It was also the first time I’d seen them in 6 days. I had been heartbroken when told to stay away from the ward, as I was infectious and it was too dangerous for my babies to be near me. In the video on my stories you can hear me saying that their cheeks seemed chubbier as they’d gained weight in those few days. .
I remember the nurse saying to me that day that my girls sats were so much more stable now that I was present again. She said they’d have to record my voice to play it in my absence. On the face of it, it was a precious, beautiful thing to be told. But I remember feeling like someone had ripped my heart out. You see, I wanted to be there with them all of the time. And I couldn’t be. And it tore at me everyday. I was never there enough. I was never at home with Felix enough. Nothing I was doing felt good enough. .
Now of course, hindsight is a wonderful thing. Of course I was doing my best. I was doing enough. I just didn’t feel I was enough for my children at the time. I wanted them to have every part of me to make it all ok for them. But as their mother it wasn’t possible. I couldn’t change their medical circumstances. But I was doing all that I could to make it easier for them in the time that I had with them. I expressed milk round the clock as it was easier for them to digest. I gave as much skin to skin as I could with each baby to provide comfort. I negotiated lifts so I could be there as much as I could. We were lucky. We were only a three hour round trip from home. Some multiple Mummy’s had been airlifted hundreds of miles away.
It’s world prematurity day on Sunday the 17th, and I can feel it coming. Remembering how I felt, and now with the benefit of hindsight to be kinder to myself, it makes me determined to share our story to try and help other NICU parents feel less isolated. .
Our experience still hurts. It always will. But talking and sharing helps. It always will. .
Love and strength to those needing it today 🌈💗🌈
Having the BRCA gene is a
blessing and also a royal pain in my fat ass. Yes, I'm grateful to still be standing, breathing air and to be around for my family. BUT having this gene also puts a time stamp on certain things. Certain things that maybe you're just not ready to give up yet. People always say well be happy with what you have and blah blah blah. Thanks, but no thanks. I wanted more. I wanted big. I wanted 3. I wanted us to be 5. As we're driving to the hospital, I feel numb. I dont think it has yet sunk in that my days are done, even though I've had about a little over a month to come to terms with everything. Come to terms...Time just doesn't stop for you or for anyone. I'm terrified and fearful for my future and just everything. Who fucking just volunteers for a hysterectomy?? Yeah, I did. Yeah, I HAVE too. I'm being proactive so the BIG C doesn't come back in another way. (Even though I stress about it every day and STILL deal with my toxic neuropathy on a daily basis that I want to saw my legs off, but that's for another day) I always pictured my life as a mom of 3. And I'm sure the man upstairs would have blessed me with 3 girls and then I would have had to beg my hubs to try for the boy for baby #4 and I'm sure he wouldn't be too thrilled about that 🤣 I know everyone says "be happy with what you have. Why would you want another baby after what you have gone through? Be grateful that you're still here being a mom to the 2 you have. Or be thankful, some people can't have kids." Anyone can say what they want, but this IS what I've/We have always wanted. This is MY story. Regardless, of what we have gone through, my husband and I talked about being a family of 5.
#FuckCancer #Survivor#MyLifeJourney #Courage
For Tess, an earth goddess who is the personification of nature. Her beauty, purity and links to nature are mirrored in the flowers, leaves, pearl beads and pastel backing within this pendant. The hardships she suffered and the cruelty she was subjected to is shown in the harsh scratch across the surface of the resin. Upon an altar she finally got a moment with her Angel but it was not enough to erase the injustices she lived through. Through it all she showed courage and she made choices for the best of her family, even when it meant she had to suffer. She deserved so much better, as many of us do today. It is important to remember that though we may have scars, we should never let it permanently mar the beauty of our souls and no matter what we should always strive for a better future.
This resin necklace comprises a silver plated metal bezel that is approximately 3.5cm in diameter. Encased within it are flowers, leaves, pearl beads and a pastel backing. It is strung on a silver plated chain that is approximately 21” in length and 1mm in width.
Bugün Tepe İnşaat Anaokulunun minik kaşifleri ile ormanı keşfettik.
9 minutes ago
Risin’ up, after taking a lot of stims
Did my time, took my chances
Had a heart attack, now I’m back in the gym
Just a man and his will to survive
So many times, it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight to keep them alive...
We've been through a couple wars and back and this war I'm definitely not mentally, physically or emotionally ready for. So here's to another journey thanks to this wonderful gene. May my moody days be bright and funny. May my night sweats be as dry as the Sahara Desert and may my skin be non saggy, super smooth and gleaming. I know I can't change what's happened in my life (believe me I would change a couple things😉), but it will take me some time to come to terms with this surgery after it's done. This surgery is one you can't go back and change...it's kind of permanent. I'm not ready for permanent. I'm afraid of permanent. This is not how I pictured MY life to be. This is not how I pictured OUR life to be. But I know you holding my hand all the way through...I'll be okay...we'll be okay. YOU ARE 'MY' HERO❤